dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Congratulations! We have a period
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
