I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
