if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
