i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize