are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
