I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
