its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
