yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My vagina is officially offended.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
