You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
