Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
