Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
