While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
