you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
