The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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