I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
