Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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