i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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