Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
where does the pee come out of this thing
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
