Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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