dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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