Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
