today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
