ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
