My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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