How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize