I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
