I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize