I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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