I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
