I hate all girls vehemently.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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