Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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