so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
