My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
