you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
