My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
