Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
