so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
