True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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