exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
