life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
