So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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