Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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