Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize