i jhust puked up my retainher.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
