Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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