am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
