The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
