So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sorry about my life...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
