My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
