Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
