Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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