Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
