Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
