you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
