this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
