eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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