There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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