apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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