I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
