new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
