O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
